


The Lo-Games

by spookyhat



Series: Caravan [6]
Category: DCU (Comics), Lobo (Comics)
Genre: Battle Royale - Freeform, Fights
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-12 14:14:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28511742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spookyhat/pseuds/spookyhat
Summary: Lobo's semi-annual murderfest begins, with a few interesting new competitors. Who will be the Last Main Man Standing?
Series: Caravan [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2083623





	1. Chapter 1

The Main Head soared through space, past the Micro-System of Saint Walker near Oa, past the red sun that killed that Super-Bastich, and even past that damn shithole planet Thani-whatever. It took a few hours for his body to completely reform, and even then he was completely naked. Not a problem for the Baddest Ass in the Universe, but still something he wanted to address quick - because he had someplace to be.

Thankfully, the universe is a small place - when you're the Main Man. The sound of the Spacehog ripping through nullspace echoes into the wide head and the emaciated body below it.

He smirks. "Wouldn't you know it, right on time." 

"Just glad you made the bus, huh bastich? Jeez, the frag happened to you? Someone punt your head halfway across the galaxy?" Lobo slows down, leaning on his handlebars, glaring at the naked form before him. 

"Yeah, and I'll call him up to do you too, if you don't hook me."

The Other Man shrugs, whips his hooked chain around, and lashes it at the First Dude. The hook catches on his sternum, the rest of the chain wrapping around his rapidly barreling chest. Lobo ties off the chain and throttles the Hog, sending both of them into lightspeed.

If you've never been drug by the sternum through lightspeed, it's about as painful as it sounds.

Thankfully, due to time dilation, by the time they emerge from warp Firstbo's body is completely healed. Bikebo chuckles again at the visible Loballs, and descends to the planet that emerged beneath them - a massive red orb, pockmarked with volcanos, craters, lava floes, and shifting tectonic plates. Around them, the two see other Lobos on their own hogs, some riding stag, others on stranger methods of transport. One calmly stands in free fall, counting change for his space-cab, while yet another is thrown off the back of a migrating Cetruvian Death-Worm. Each of them is as much Lobo as the last, and each of them is here to kick some Czarnian 'nards.

The pair touches down on the rim of an active volcano, Firstbo "touching down" first, crashing into igneous rocks and being drug through a flow of lava, to no lasting effect. When he finally breaks the chains around his chest, Bikebo is touched down and standing up, lighting a cigar and pumping his shotgun.

"Sorry, Lobo, but I think we know how this has gotta go."

"Figured." 

As Lobo levels the shotgun towards Lobo's head, Lobo grips the chains beside him and whips it through the air, the tip cracking through the heat of the volcano and straight into Lobo's hand, digging itself deep and causing Lobo to drop the lazy, one-handed grip. Lobo continues on his momentum, whipping the chain harder, pulling Lobo off his balance.

"Bastich!" Bikebo grips the hook with his offhand, but Firstbo isn't done. As the hairs begin to pop out of his chest and armpits, and as his arms finally thicken out, he pulls Bikebo by the chain, yanking him off his feet and into the air. Slowly at first, and then faster, Firstbo begins to spin Bikebo through the air, through the gushing spouts of magma, and finally into the Spacehog, which crumples under his weight. Then, while he's dazed, Firstbo dives towards the shotgun, grabs it with a tactical roll, and springs back to his feet with the gun leveled at Bikebo's head. 

He smiles. "New body. Must be pretty limber - still don't have all that connective tissue. Yeah, sure, you got-" he's interrupted as Firstbo blows his head off. Acting without thought, Firstbo grabs at Bikebo's shirt pocket - for the cube. Pulling it from its pouch, he shoves it down Lobo's open throat, and rapidly strips him of his leather vest and pants, before tossing him into the open crater of the volcano. As the Lobody descends into the burning pit, Lobo pulls the pin on a hand grenade, kisses it, and then drops it in after him. While Lobo dresses and hops back on the bike, the Cryo-Cube in the trachea of the corpse activates in response to the trauma of the explosion ripping apart the body, and instantly seals the body in volcanic glass - which is promptly ejected from the crater by a massive eruption. The mass of obsidian flies into the sky, where a massive Gas Giant is waiting to capture it.

Lobo picks up the cigar off the dusty earth, brushes it off, and takes a pull. The Logames have begun.


	2. Chapter 2

She knew that this wouldn't be smart, easy, or even possible, but she had to do it - that bastich had beat her once, and she wasn't about to let it happen again. She knew exactly where to meet him, too, because it was the exact place everyone told her not to go. Surprise, it was in her neighborhood. She didn't even have to bother with asking for a flight - she just hopped on the Voyager 16 probe and took it all the way to Io, Jupiter's volcanic moon. 

The entire thing was dusted yellow with sulphur, and the stench rocked her nose as she descended into the minimal atmosphere. Thank god she didn't need to breathe, otherwise she might actually die. The descent was bad enough already, but she had an ace up her sleeve. She's already done this, once. When she was a kid. And now Obelus was gonna do its job again.

Crush landed on the side of a mountain, crushing boulders beneath her but leaving her completely unharmed, in the warm embrace of her chain. As it unwraveled around her, she stood and looked around - only to see that she landed on top of Lobo, completely splattering him into the ground, and decimating the Spacehog.

"Huh." She dusted herself off and pulled out her phone, to check the app she downloaded with maps of Jupiter's moons. With a quick glance at the declination of Jupiter, she figured she was on the most active volcano, Prometheus. Plumes of smoke rose miles into the open void, which she took a moment to contemplate.

"F@*#!%.... you...." Trailed words from the corpse beneath her.

"Shit! Yeah, I forgot you can do that quick. Yeah, it's me, your bastich daughter. I'm here to kill you until I find one of you fuckers who can actually take some fucking responsibility." She puts one foot on his rapidly solidifying head and grinned. "Kinda like, ah, Maury. Who's the baby daddy?"

One pancaked arm struggles to reach and grab her ankle, but she shakes him off. "Alright, Lobo, do you wanna end up frozen in the core of Jupiter, or do you maybe wanna think about helping me handle some of these bozos?"

She steps to the side and lets him pull his face out of the dirt. "Now why'd you have to go and ruin the best day of the year, huh? F$#@ Christmas, this shit's magic. How'd you even find out about this?"

"You're the Main Man. People talk. Oh, and Braniac stole your diary."

"THAT BASTICH!" Lobo pounds his fist against the earth, sending cracks into the stone around him.

"Yeah, 'Last Czarnian' my ass. I don't know why he kept that prick around. Anyway, I think I told you I'd fucking kill you if you didn't stick around for once."

"Yeah? You and what cryo-cube, bastich? You know I only got-"

"One per body, yep. And guess which supervillain on earth just happened to give up all his villainous gadgets to Justice League custody last month." Obelus drags a giant glowing blue Freeze gun in front of her, and she grins wildly. "And I've got Teen Titans clearance."

"Alright, jeez, you're serious. Hell, you might could actually do a few of me in." Lobo rolls onto his back, his ribcage popping back into shape, and he points at her. "Alright, here's the deal - we're gonna mow through those bastiches like grass on sunday, and then your @$& is mine. Got it?"

"Aw, sounds like you're not trying to claw your own throat out saying that. Maybe you do like me." She falls backwards in laughter, Obelus protectively coiling between her and her father.

"You know how many of you brats I've fragged? You're just a face in the crowd." He winces as he pulls himself up onto his mostly intact legs.

"Nah, bastich. I'm one in a million."


	3. Chapter 3

I don't know who would have guessed it, but two mad bastiches make a good team. Even without a Spacehog, the two of them are easily able to dispatch with Lobald and Fauxbo in seconds, with the combined application of Lobo foreseeing his own moves, and Crush not having any damn moves to begin with. Obelus trips up more than one bastich who obviously had a bullet too many lodged in their skulls, and the ones that it doesn't get are taken down by the good ol' pincer maneuver. Each time, they're frozen, then cryo-cubed, then dropped into lava, and then dismembered. Their work is tight and efficient - perfect cogs greased by blood and sulphur.

Over the plains of, uh... the Chaac-Camaxtli region, says google, the pair run into their first real hurdle.

Lobo reclines in his Spacehog, filing his nails, and glances at the two of them as they approach. "Oh jeez, Lobo, are you kiddin' me? You brought her? I thought we all agreed - no outside help."

"Yeah, I kinda forced him to. Sorry, pops. Course, now that he promised me..."

"You are a dumb bastich, huh? I feel sorry for you. C'mere, and maybe I can beat some sense into ya." He tosses the file and stands, grabbing his length of chain and a strange device, which he beats into his palm. 

"H#!!'s that thing?" Lobo asks, itching his head with his trigger finger.

Lobo laughs. "Yeah, picked this up in some deep shit. Hell, why don't I just show ya?" He raises it to his shoulder like a rifle, and the pair both dive away from its muzzle. In their wake, a crater the size of an elephant. No puff of smoke, no boom - what the hell is that thing?

Crush grips Obelus and swings it towards the gun, trying to wrest it from his grip - but instead it sends arcing electricity along the chain and into the girl, frying her in her boots. Grinning, Lobo points his shotgun at the well-equipped bastich and fires - his pellets ricocheting off the Czarnian's skin and into the ground and atmosphere, even into Lobo's own thigh.

He cackles, and shakes his head. "I can't have been the only one who actually thought to get some gear, right? What, did you just show up naked?"

"Yeah. I did." Even Lobo can recognize the handiwork of a high-velocity impact force shield. If you're faster than a speeding bullet, you're shit out of luck. But, if you were slower...

He throws the shotgun at Lobo's head and charges in behind it with his fists. Lobo knocks the gun away, and is then tackled into his Hog by 300 pounds of stark-white alien crazy. Lobo starts ripping into him with his fists, cracking bones and drawing blood. In return, Lobo headbutts him, and smacks him across the face with the butt of his strange rifle. Lobo grabs the rifle and pushes it close to Lobo's chest, but is then wracked with painful shocks of electricity.

That is, until Lobo's head explodes in a ball of ice. Joyfully, Crush kicks the gun out of the grapple, and it scatters to the blood-stained ground.

Lobo sighs and grabs his corpse's chain, wrapping it around his body and stepping over to tie it off to his Hog. Crush blows the frost off the tip of the freeze gun. "See? I'm pretty damn good too."

"Yeah, sure. Don't blow your head up." He pauses, and glances to his side. A single drop of blood stains the side of the Hog. A single drop of blood... that's moving.

"What, did you not get that redid? Yeah, first thing, I thought. I mean, Klarion seemed pretty intent on sending me to Apokalypse, after all. Should have figured that the Main Man would make it out alive." Lobo whips his head around to see - Loblood. A gang of nude Lobos, regenerating rapidly from the pools of blood on the ground. One reaches for the strange gun, but Obelus swoops in and snatches it away by the grip. 

"You bastich. We're not supposed to make newbies here. Mano-e-mano. One cube per body!"

"Yeah, seems like none of us were very intent on following the rules this time. Maybe we got something to live for." Another one speaks from behind him - a small, shrunken head of a Lobo, regenerated from a single drop of blood on the side of the Hog.

"Or die for." The corpse bashes itself in the face, shattering the ice on its skull and ripping away much of the flesh and bone, which quickly regenerates itself.

"Fuck. Lobo, how do we do this one?" Crush backs up to him, facing the surrounding wave of Loblood. 

"I don't fragging know! Any way I can kill them bastiches gets blood everywhere. You'd need some ridiculous shit to do it - I dunno, antimatter."

The two of them pause and then look at the gun in Obelus's grip.

They both dive for it, and both grip the guard and the trigger, their hands overcrowding the space but neither really caring. They move in unison, and sweep the field from left to right - Loblood after Loblood vaporized instantly, without a trace left of them to regenerate.

"Holy shit! This thing is fucking crazy!" Crush shouts over the sounds of screaming Lobo.

Lobo nods, then kicks a naked, advancing Loblood in the chest, knocking him into another two Lobloods. "Apokalyptian tech is wild. Those bastiches really know how to party!"

In another moment, the sulphur fields around them are covered not in blood, but in a solid layer of craters, for about a hundred feet around the Space Hog. Not a speck of blood or Lobo remains, save for what's clutching onto the antimatter gun. The two breathe easy for a second, before lobo turns to Headbo, who falls off the side of the bike and rolls to the floor, only the size of a softball.

"Yeah, I think that one took the last out of me. I'm done." It says, sighing, its whispy beard and hair growing out around its shriveled head. The muscles of the neck are present but don't attach to anything, so they just drift listlessley beneath his chin. Crush picks him up by the hair and looks at him. 

"Huh. Maybe this one can be my dad."


	4. Chapter 4

"You think this $#!% is a joke? You think I'm doing this for fun? Well, you're right. But I also do it because I can't have too many of me running around. Even I realize that too much of me causes problems I can't fix. Like that guy you mentioned - some crazy bastich. Don't know where the hell he's from, but he said I was impersonating him. Seems like he was impersoning me! I can't have people crimping my style, ruining my name, and causing chaos that I gotta answer for."

"Listen, I just want to keep one. Just the head! He's not even growing anymore, he stopped!"

"It's true, Main Man. My brain's, like, the size of a walnut, and I drew the cloning short stick. I'm not gonna kill you for $#^&, or cause no problems."

Lobo stops the Hog and turns around. "Look, I told you no, and that means no. If I gotta turn this bastich around and drop you off where I found you, that's that. But we're not keeping the head."

Crush groans and flattens herself against the back of the Hog. Spotting movement in the distance, she raises the antimatter rifle. 

"What if I made him into, like, an earring, or a hood ornament? Or, like, a pair of fuzzy dice?" She fires, obliterating another Lobo racing through the sulphur flats.

"I don't care what you turn him into, only one Lobo leaves this place. That's the whole point."

"It's not like he's gonna take out a bunch of loans with your name. I should totally do that. Fuck. He's just, like, a head. Hell, if it's the name, we can just change it! Hey Headbo, what kinda names do you like?"

"I dunno. Lobo was always a good one. Stuck by that. Lobo, though, that one's nasty. Gotta avoid. What about..... Lobo?"

"See? He's harmless! Couldn't hurt a fucking -" She snaps and fires at another Lobo, approaching them with an enraged face and a glowing red fist, disintegrating everything except the glow, which soars off into the sky. "Fly. Couldn't hurt a fly. Yeah. Could yo, Slobo?"

The name hits Lobo like a ton of bricks, and he perks up from his focus on the horizon. "Huh... I actually kinda like Slobo. Frag."

"How many of these guys left, anyway? Do you guys have, like, an official counter or something?"

"Yeah. See those storm cells forming in Jupiter's convection zones?"

She looks upwards at the dominatingly large planet. "Uh, yeah. Fucking everywhere. Why?"

"Naw, those ones. Just below the third ring."

"Uh... Oh. Huh." There were about twenty-five small, but very noticeable dots in the clouds. 

"Those are the ones we disposed of properly. Roll call is thirty - once we got thirty, we all show up here. We killed three originals with the antimatter rifle, meaning there's probably one original left, unless he got killed off by Loblood before we found him, but I honestly doubt that. Any Lobo worth his salt woulda drawn blood against that bastich."

Crush furrows her brow. "Are you... thinking? Did you actually just use logic?"

"Shut the frag up. Don't you dare tell anyone. I'll rip your head off."


	5. Chapter 5

"We should probably, like, send up a flare, right?"

"No need. The final battle always happens in the same spot."

"You're kidding. Really? Then why the fuck do you bother dropping in all over the place, and not just the same place each time?"

Lobo puts on a face and a sarcastic tone of voice. "Well now, that's not very fun, is it?"

"He's got a point, you know." Slobo says, dangling from the handlebars.

"Shut up." She pokes him in the face, but he bites her with his little mouth - he's still Lobo, and his bite breaks the tip of her finger. "Fuck! Bastich!"

The two of them arrive at the place in a timely manner. The arena is a valley between two volcanos, filled with lava floes and magma spouts. It looks like hell on Io - and a badass place to finish a battle royale.

"Alright, so we just zoot this one too, right?"

"Naw, not that simple. You know I got rules. This guy's gotta been doing it clean - that means knockout, cryo-cube, Jupiter. I go in this one with chains only. More, uh... sporting that way, I guess. I just think it's really fragging cool."

Crush shrugs. "Fair enough. Go do your thing, I guess. Hollar if you need me." She pulls out her iPhone and airpods and engages in the quintessential activities of a teenage girl.

Lobo gets off the bike and tightens his chains, advancing forwards into the wasteland. After a minute of walking, he spots a figure in the yellow haze of sulfur and lava. It looks like... Lobo.

Lobo is looking kind of metal these days. More than usual. His usual scruffy buker aesthetic has kind of gone, in a word, overboard. A leather jacket and chains are usual, but all the spikes throw him off. And the way he's standing is... offputting, to say the least. Lobo grips his chains and approaches with caution.

Lobo cuts his eyes towards his counterpart, gazing across a wide river of lava. In confident strides, he begins to walk across the lava, sinking knee-deep in the glowing liquid and emerging unhurt on the other side. Around his head and covering his eyes is a silver band of spikes.

"You remind me of some bastich.... Doesn't f%$&ing matter. Let's get it over with." Lobo opens, loosing a length of chain from his coil.

"The fuck did you just say?" Dark Lobo responds, curtly.

"You remind me of some bastich."

"No, with the symbols and shit. Instead of fuck. You said f-percent-dollar-amperstand. The fuck is wrong with you? You some fucking retard? I gotta beat your head in like the rest of these fucking disgraces?"

Lobo paused. This wasn't right - This wasn't him. It had been eight months since the last meetup. He was pretty sure he was the same happy-go-lucky guy then as he was now. How did this one get to be so... edgy?

"Well, are you going to fucking say something? Hell, I might as well kill you now." He whips his chain towards Lobo, who barely deflects it with his own chain. 

"What the h$!! happened to you?" He swings his chain defensively, blocking strikes from EviLobo.

He scoffs. "I grew up, dumbass. Stopped treating this shit like a game. Same thing you're gonna do unless you wanna fucking die." He rushes towards Lobo, swinging his chain rapidly and closing the distance with a sucker punch to the face, sending him flying into a lava flow.

"... Frag this." Lobo stands up and rubs some of the magma on his face, before shaking it off and rushing to grapple with the Other Man. The two of them match grips and butt heads, Lobo barely standing out of the flow of magma. Visor-lobo looks him up and down, and pauses.

"Wait. You can't do shit to me." He kicks Lobo in the chest, and Lobo responds with a staggered blow to the face - which has no effect.

"The big guy mighta mentioned this, yeah. Alright, I guess I get to fuck you up as much as I want before I'm done with you." He grabs Lobo by the hair and throws him into a magma spout, which fires him thirty feet into the air. He lands in a collapsed heap on the ground.

Just as fast, he throws himself up and draws a shotgun concealed in his vest, which he fires at EviLobo - and does nothing.

"No forcefields, dumbass. 100% Real Ripper. That's me - Lobo. The Baddest Motherfucker in the dark multiverse." He steps forwards and grabs the nose of the shotgun in his hand, crumpling it like paper. He socks Lobo right between his shocked eyes.

* * *

"Fuck, he's taking a while. Should we check up on him?" Crush finally asks after a few minutes of waiting on the Hog. Obelus shifts around her shoulders, and the shrunken head speaks up.

"If I were me, and I am, I probably wouldn't want you barging in on my fragging epic fight."

She nods her head. "Then I'm doing it." She hops off the bike, stomps on the ground to shake out her legs, and then crouches down... to leap into the air into the distance. The shrunken head stares longingly.

* * *

Lobo is ripping Lobo to shreds, literally. Piece by piece, he's ripping apart Lobo just to make the pain last longer. Each piece he rips, he places into a vat filled with liquid nitrogen. Don't ask how this works on Io, I don't know, he's fucking Lobo.

Overhead, Crush sees what's going on - and is horrified. Not in part because she sees her ally being torn apart, but because she recognizes that thing from what the League kept insisting was important enough to flag her email... something bad. She careens to the earth behind him, crashing down noisily and messily. He cuts her a look. 

"You... I thought I ripped you to shreds. Threw you and your little Titans in a black hole. Huh. Guess I get to do it again." He grins underneath his mask, a wild and sadistic grin - there's more pure sadistic glee in his face than Lobo has ever felt. Crush is horrified.

Instantly, she raises both the antimatter gun and the freeze gun, akimbo, and fires them full-blast at the monstrous alien. After a few moments of ridonculous blasting, the misting ice disappears - and EviLobo is still there. 

"Not quite, I'm afraid. Still got a ways to go," he says before taking off towards her rapidly. In her hurried dodge, she drops her two oversized guns and slashes at the Czarnian with Obelus - of all things, drawing blood.

"I dunno what's up... but only you can hurt him, Obelus. I think it's time we finally showed our dad what we're truly made of." She grips her chain familiar and begins to work that shit - she swings it like a proper biker lass, one who grew up on weed and beer, and who has never worked a job in her life, and who owns twelve bikes but rides one, and who has spent her whole life seeking validation for literally any part of her identity she can cling to to help facilitate her own value in the world because apparently nobody cares about you if you live off of Interstate 52. 

With fury, she begins to slash away at the strange Lobo, cutting him deep. He blocks a significant number of their strikes, but for each one he blocks, another he cannot, thanks in no small part to Obelus's speed and finesse. Cut by cut, he's worn down. Though he heals incredibly rapidly, this flurry is only just gaining momentum, swinging faster and hitting far harder than before, until the metal of the chain meets bone - which it also smashes through neatly.

Finally, she rears herself back to whip the chain one more time - through EviLobo's head, latching onto his visor and ripping it from his skull. In a second, he begins to feel discomfort, even as his head stitches itself back together. Even that begins to fail, as his open head wounds begin to decay, and he stumbles forwards, reaching out towards Crush - who wraps the chain around her foot and roundhouse kicks the poor bastich's head off. It soars into the lava floe, and the body falls to the floor, not regenerating at all.

"... Huh." She looks over at lobo, still in pieces, and kicks over the tub of freezing liquid, pulling him out of it and breaking off whatever pieces wouldnt heal.

He looks at her, eyes wide. "You killed him. Holy $#!%. I couldn't even touch him. What the hell is going on?"

She smiles. "I don't really know, but I do know one thing." She places her thick black boot on Lobo's neck, and Obelus snakes towards him menacingly. "I just won the Logames."


End file.
